Acceptance

It has been less than a month that I learned my diagnosis and I have been in denial. I don’t have an illness that is going to be addressed quickly, or easily and get my life back to normal. No, that is not the case.

I am past the denial and now accept that I have an aggressive form of cancer and I am undergoing aggressive chemo treatment for it. There, I said it. I don’t like it and when I say it out loud, I weep. I’ve stopped waking up thinking it was all a bad dream. Now, I wake up and use meditation and creative visualization to calm my mind. I write and I journal.

I will beat this. I am fortunate everything happened quickly and even though I am still reeling from it all, I have 2 chemo sessions under my belt. I have so much love and support from Scott, family and friends and for that I am grateful. My surgeon said she is hopeful the chemo will work and we’ve seen evidence already that I’m responding. I hold onto her words: Hopeful. She is hopeful. That’s probably the best a surgeon can tell you. She said a positive attitude and support from loved ones is key to beating this and that’s why I have no shame calling on people for support. I want to win this battle and I need all the love, support and encouragement I can get. Even those of you who read this blog and have let me know you read it, thank you. You help me too.

What does it mean to be strong and fight this? To me it means taking a walk in the morning, noon and evening and pushing myself to go a little further each time.  It means keeping busy, visiting with family/friends, finding things I can do to keep my mind engaged and away from thoughts of defeat.  Even though I push myself a little more each day, I am learning to listen to my body and rest for a short amount of time. Most of you who know me know I never slow down, and this is a new way of being for me.

No one knows my extreme ways better than my neighbor Deb. A few years ago we agreed to have our gardens be part of a garden tour. We both worked several weekends sun-up to sundown before the tour getting our gardens ready. Hours spent planting this, trimming that, cleaning everything, arranging, rearranging. Striving for perfection! The evening before the tour, I think Deb was a bit horrified to see me in the garden late into the night with my headlamp on, planting those last few plants.

Acceptance. Yes, this will be tough.  Yes, I must slow it down, listen to my body and learn to let things go. Next year I will work in my garden late into the night, this year I will lounge on our comfy yard furniture and enjoy my garden however it grows.

My garden companions